apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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