I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
