Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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