took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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