If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
