I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
