wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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