u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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