is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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