I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Your mouth is God's brothel.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
