She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
