happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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