If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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