to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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