she was so not down for the gang bang
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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