someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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