I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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