i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
