I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
