im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
