I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
not ubering you a puppy
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
