Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
