i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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