Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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