your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
