So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
