I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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