well I can't set my house on fire every night
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
