cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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