Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
