I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
