I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i was born a porn star she said
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
