I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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