My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
