I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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