I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
