Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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