Who wears a wallet chain?!
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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