We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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