My first STD was from a foam party
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
