Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
