The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
