I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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