Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I could fuck to npr.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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