The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
