Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
