Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
