First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
