I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
