I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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