Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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