capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
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