ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
