We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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