it hurts more in the daytime
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
