why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
