We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
