you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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