my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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