it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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