Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
